you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
