I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
