from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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