They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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