Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
