plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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