I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
even my farts smell like vagina
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
