Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
