omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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