So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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