Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
