I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
