before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
