It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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