I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
