I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
