it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
