everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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