his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
