My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
