my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
