This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
