No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
