need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
