I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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