I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
