I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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