Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
