Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
