I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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