Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
