I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
