Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
