The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
