Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
