i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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