When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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