Soap is not a condiment
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
