If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
