he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
