apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
