Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
