I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
