I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
