i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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