one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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