She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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