Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
