also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
