in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
