I'm gonna have a badass scar
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
